Youtube again, stress-y, tired-y, and y-e-a-h

It's like, 11:15 PM, and I'm still trudging along with my AP World History notes. We're reading about the 3 Muslim Empires, and I need a break from being distracted, and so I'm trying to focus my energy on this, so that once I have my energy focused, I can try apply that focus to my homework. I kinda doubt it'll work though.

I've been distracted with youtube again. I try not to, but it's like, I read a sentence, and do like, a reading stutter where I read the same sentence over and over again, and the funny thing is that I'm not actually reading--it's more like scanning with my eyes, but not processing. It's the environment. To be honest, I think I might be needing a chair and table or something. I'd work in my room, but my mom doesn't like that, and who knows? Maybe I'd just nap.

I think the reason for my stress about the internships is because I don't have enough time in my day to invest the proper about of hours into research/looking into the opportunities. Seriously, my shyness is really starting to hurt me. I'm hoping it'll get better, but I think this is residual scaredness of my teacher from freshman year. I mean, blahblahblah I'm so mixed up on my stress. Time for a stress mint! Ya know, I'm not sure they actually work; maybe it's more of a placebo, but hey--if it works, who am I to argue? I always feel that rip of anxiety--maybe I'll incorporate that image into my picture, instead of a hole--it's a rip? Hm.

I'm tired. Last night I stayed up doing homework I thought was due today, but was actually due tomorrow. At least I don't have to do it now, and I have more time to do other things other than homework my homework.

Well, it's 11:20 PM now. I guess I ought to get back to work. It sucks, sitting here on the floor and doing homework, because I have to slouch my head down for long periods of time maybe, leaning back is like, I can't because I lean against the couch and it was a weird bump thing that hurts my spine, and my thighs burn from inactivity. Wow. This must be really unhealthy @_@

Honestly, I think it's kind of funny when I read in those suicide/depression slips, they say if your friend or whoever is saying about suicide, etc, the whole shebang, because I've been suicidally in my head, and I'm still here...As of now :P I mean, it's kinda weird, my mind? It's like, I have two "me"s (I bet you've heard of this before), and I argue with myself. There's "me" playing the victim, and the other one, that treats me good or bad, depending on what I need. Sometimes, she's really harsh with me, and yells at me a lot, and I cry, but sometimes, when I cry and she's feeling charitable, she tries to cheer me up and calm me down. I suppose she's like a double-edged sword? Difficult to live with sometimes, that's for sure. The thing is, she's quieted down. A lot. Like she's nonexistent, and honestly, I miss her a lot too. I mean, despite the association between her and my really off behavior and emotions, like depression, I really really miss her. It's like I'm an emotional masochist, if that makes sense. I mean, in the moment, all I wish is for it to end, but when it's over, I wish it hadn't or something. It's like my opportunity to know that I can feel, and that I'm capable of feeling.

But yeah, I really miss her.

...I am so crazy xD I mean, thinking about it now, my head seems so lonely (well THAT doesn't sound schizophrenic at all) without her in my head to argue with me.

Bleck, 11:35 PM! ...I'm so weird.

I named her Lumera and she called me "mi amor",
The Onion Cat