Livin' in a Bubble and self-censorship?

Wow, I start writing these blogs, then get pulled away...Anyhoo, I was sitting at dinner playing Pokemon, and I was reflecting on how I feel like sometimes, I'm just trying to escape life by running away to games and stuff, and I feel like it's messing up my sleeping patterns and my eating patterns, and maybe even my stress levels (which would affect hormone levels, right?). But yeah, I feel like there's some kind of disconnect between my life and the real world, as if the real world is beyond a barrier. Like, the real world is a different world entirely, and the world I live in is sheltered and protected and safe and stiff. I have a hard time feeling my individuality. This might be a cultural thing, since Asian cultures tend to have individuals act for the benefit of the group, so they might be more diplomatic and quiet, since those traits would make it easier to get along in groups, while Western cultures tend to think very individualistically, where individuals act selfishly (I don't mean this in a negative way--I mean they're actions reflect that they think of their own benefit before others'), and traits like independence and extroversion are encouraged, because then people can "go places", etc.

So that cultural split might be a reason behind why I find it hard to feel what part of me is "me", and what other parts are the expectations of others. If you think about it, a person is largely in part constructed by the expectations of others. When I was young, in elementary school or middle school-ish, I had an analogy that I was like a mirror, in that I reflect the thoughts, ideas, and beliefs of my friends. It's true that occasionally I may have a dissenting opinion, but those are so few and far between. This is not to say that I am picking people who tend to have the same beliefs as I do (or am I?) but I feel as if their beliefs rubbed off on me.

I feel like I raised myself. I don't mean I raised myself by finding money to buy food--no no no no no; I mean raising myself morally. When I was little, I had a really heavy conscience. It's like a curse, believe it or not, because although it kept me from doing "bad" stuff, which is good, it instilled me with some kind of belief that I must be perfect. When I was little, there was no excuse for a slip on my part. When I forgot my jacket at school during 1st grade, I couldn't talk about it without crying for like, 2 or 3 days after the event happened, and as you can see here, I still remember it. Such a trivial thing brought about my own mental wrath. My parents, I feel, are more forgiving to me than I am. It's so odd. My brother shared a story with my mom once, in middle school, and he was saying how his friends and him were messing around or something, and my mom found it funny. Honestly, I was shocked. To me, because of my strong sense of whatever it is, I was taken aback at how my mom could condone such behavior (I don't remember what my brother did, but I know I didn't approve). Later I asked my mom about it, but I don't remember what she said. I think she was confused ' ~ ' Anyhoo, this heavy conscience of mines carried itself along, making me feel stressed and serious in elementary and middle school. It started drifting away in middle school, but the serious nature it made me have in elementary school was certainly a contributing factor to that friend I said a while back being scared of me.

My parents always said I was mature for my age. Now, I've definitely been getting more and more immature with my friends, which would indicate that I'm finally loosening up, but at what price? I feel like I've missed my childhood. Throughout when I was a kid, I feel like I missed something, and now, me acting immature is some way of making up for it. It's so pathetic. I mean, as a kid, I kept my head in the books, schoolwork, Nintendo games, and PBS TV, like Wetakids. (I loved watching Clifford the Big Red Dog, Arthur, and Cyberchase. Later, like, early high school later, I'd also love watching Bob the Builder and Make Way for Noddy, and stuff. If I go before Cyberchase, I remember Jay Jay the Jet Plane, and The Magic School Bus.)

Bleck. I don't know what the dealio is with me >o<

Also, I was reflecting that since sharing this blog with some of my friends (like, 2. Oh, and my mom, but she hasn't read past like, the first post :P), I started wondering if I should start watching what I say on this blog. I mean, what if I write, complaining about them *cough* and then they read it? I mean, wouldn't that be awkward? It's like, "Oh, sorry I was stating all these things that I didn't like about you. :B I mean, it's not like I Want You Gone or anything..."

Because that's just meeeeeeeeeeeeeeean... Dang I'm weird.

Speaking of weird/win (they're obviously the same thing), the shows I am currently watching are as follows (in no particular order):

Being Human
Taboo
What Would You Do?
Face Off
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Season 2

Tired and stuck in AP Stat homework,
The Onion Cat

And remember... I WANT ARTICHOKES!

***NOTE: THIS PICTURE IS NOT MY WORK! IT IS TOO PRETTY TO ME DRAWN BY ME***